For example…

• I do not consider a peach shirt with an indigo bowtie to be professional dress (especially sans jacket), since I don’t consider clowning a profession.  Why is this oddly-dressed gentleman considered qualified to judge whether we’re running a school in a professional manner?
• If I hear one of the football coaches commenting on the cheerleading coach’s bootimus maximus, does that count as Pig Latin?
• Why have three different guys of Far Eastern origin, working at three separate Dairy Queen drive-thrus, commented on how nice my Honda Element looks?  I mean, they’re right, but that particular demographic seems to include my car’s biggest fans.
• How can there be a Lego Rock Band video game when there is no minifig-sized Lego guitar accessory?  Will Lego soon be producing such accessories?
• If retro clothing is such a big thing with every generation, how come the dirndl never made a comeback?
• Before that Central Office employee sent out an angry email denying the huge raise she allegedly received last year, why didn’t she check the public records to see whether her jump from $65,000 in Financial Year 2007 to $89,000 in FY08 might be viewable by pretty much anyone connected to the Internet?  (By the way… it is.)
• How can people justify charging $500 for an improve-your-blog’s-readership course that consists mostly of a two-word message:  “Use Twitter”?
• Will you pay me $500 if I tell you to use Twitter to promote your blog?
• Who has time for Twitter anyway?  Instead of spending hours of your time making flimsy and shallow “connections” with people in 140 characters or less, why not go out and find gainful employment?  The pay is better, and you’ll actually get to know someone.
• If I disappeared right now, everyone I call a friend would join in the search or otherwise assist law enforcement… and they wouldn’t let the search end until I’d been found.
• If Mr. I’m On Twitter disappeared right now, everyone he calls a follower would check Google in a week or two to see if he’s shown up on some other “social media” website… and then they’d forget about him.
• A man with one friend is more fortunate than a man with 1,000 followers.

And most importantly…

• Why did my SAM Infantry units (with bazookas!) on Civilization IV just get trounced by musket-wielding British Redcoats?

Second, as I was casting about for a topic for my rant, I serendipitously discovered a contest Word Sell, Inc. regarding cell phone use and abuse.  Now, I’m not a huge contest person, but there was a cash prize offered, and I did need a rant topic, so…

“Sir, cell phones are prohibited to students.”

...sigh...

He looks at me, and I can tell that if he were half — rather than twice — my age, his lower lip would be trembling.

“But what if there’s an emergency?” he almost wails.  “How will I get in touch with my son?”

“There is an emergency,” I respond.  “Your son’s grades are on life-support, and by texting in class, he’s pulling the plug.  Oh, and we have…” I pause to count on my fingers… “three land lines here at the school.  Your tax dollars at work, and all that, you know.  If you need to get in touch with your son for any reason, well, use your imagination.”

*cough*

Ok, so this scenario didn’t happen, but it could, and it might.  I have lectured parents considerably older than me about their child’s cell phone abuse.  Sometimes they don’t react well.  I can’t remember the last time that bothered me.

The real problem lies with the parents’ ignorance of and apathy toward the phones they buy and pay for.  Cell phone use can easily be monitored online; parents could, if they knew or cared, bestir themselves to check and see whether little Jenny is sending her boyfriend sweet nothings in the middle of Trigonometry.  Cell phone features can be opted-out by the person paying the bill; the girl in my Honors class who told me she’d run up a $700 bill through text messaging may have been the person at fault, but her parents could have stopped it before it happened.  Most effective is the one tactic parents seem least likely to use:

 Take away the bloomin’ phone!

It’s not an amputation.  It’s not child abuse, nor is it child neglect.  Remember little Miss Can’t-Stop-Texting?  She has her phone in her purse right now (unless she’s texting, which she probably is).  Seven hundred Washingtons isn’t enough to convince you that your so-called “social butterfly” (we used a different expression when I was a teen) can’t use a phone responsibly?  I bought my last computer for less than that!

For me, it’s irritating when any student checks their phone in class.  It’s frustrating when they try to use it during active instructional time.  It’s downright insulting that my Honors students, who claim to want to excel, whose parents claim that they’re sooo smart, prioritize their social lives above anything else.

And you know what else?  It’s worrying.  Parents who don’t understand how to monitor their teens’ cell phone use obviously don’t understand why they should.  Ignorance of technology is unfortunate and, for me, hard to understand… but it is at least not dangerous.  Ignorance of twenty-first-century teen texting tendencies could end up wrecking a child’s future – in more ways than one.

You’re gonna want your very own ring, so all your friends will know that you’re the one ruining the movie. — Ed Helms

(Photo Credit and License)